For a few days now, I’ve been fighting against sinking into the pit of Nothing Matters Anymore. Today, I have sunk. Call it self-pity, call it being a victim, call it being spiritually un-fit. Maybe it is that, or maybe I’m just human. Either way, it’s uncomfortable and embarrassing, and now I am throwing what amounts to a public temper-tantrum. Feel free to skip this entry if you are hoping for humor or inspiration. My supplies were dwindling and now I’m fresh out.
I don’t want to pray.
I don’t want to meditate.
I don’t want to visualize healing.
I don’t want to be strong or courageous.
Today, I don’t want a F*ing brain tumor. I don’t want to wonder WHY or what to do about it. I don’t want to read brain tumor research, eat clean, or have a brain tumor.
I’m angry that I can’t stay emotionally stable, and that I’m exhausted most of the time. I’m angry that thinking positive feels too difficult.
I’m angry because I’m scared. And I am angry at myself for being scared. I have heard too many times that fear is the opposite of faith. If I don’t have enough faith, does that mean that I won’t get better? If I can’t stay positive does that mean I will get worse?
I may wake up in a better mood… with gratitude, acceptance, and willingness. This whole being human thing sure is challenging.
More will be revealed…
4 thoughts on “Well, this one’s a bummer.”
Hi Dawn! I just found your blog and am still reading through your previous posts. Just wanted to say I commend you for your honesty. I’ll be following your journey and wish you the best on accomplishing your goals.
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Thank you so much for reading and for your encouragement! 🙂
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So, Dawny-dear, I just had to respond. I used to believe that faith and fear were opposite sides of a coin, that I couldn’t have the one if I was experiencing the other. Man, did that theory f*** up my serenity more than I can count. You see, my most recent sponsor shared her view that faith and fear OFTEN are present at the same time. I’m scared that I will be alone, but I have a choice about the actions (ACTION!) that I take. Acting out of fear feeds my fear, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have faith. Acting out of faith feeds my faith, but fear is never completely absent. The one we feed is the one that grows, and a day of feeding the “bad dog” doesn’t mean that the “good dog” dies – just that the balance has shifted and the good guys are a bit H-Angry, right? You are not alone, my friend, so thank you for sharing your fears and feelings with us. Public whining, my ass. We are here to walk with you, hand in hand with you, Bob, and HP. xoxo
I’m pretty angry too. I know that’s probably not much of a consolation. I am reading a book called “Life Lessons” by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, and it’s helping.