For a few days now, I’ve been fighting against sinking into the pit of Nothing Matters Anymore. Today, I have sunk. Call it self-pity, call it being a victim, call it being spiritually un-fit. Maybe it is that, or maybe I’m just human. Either way, it’s uncomfortable and embarrassing, and now I am throwing what amounts to a public temper-tantrum. Feel free to skip this entry if you are hoping for humor or inspiration. My supplies were dwindling and now I’m fresh out.
I don’t want to pray.
I don’t want to meditate.
I don’t want to visualize healing.
I don’t want to be strong or courageous.
Today, I don’t want a F*ing brain tumor. I don’t want to wonder WHY or what to do about it. I don’t want to read brain tumor research, eat clean, or have a brain tumor.
I’m angry that I can’t stay emotionally stable, and that I’m exhausted most of the time. I’m angry that thinking positive feels too difficult.
I’m angry because I’m scared. And I am angry at myself for being scared. I have heard too many times that fear is the opposite of faith. If I don’t have enough faith, does that mean that I won’t get better? If I can’t stay positive does that mean I will get worse?
I may wake up in a better mood… with gratitude, acceptance, and willingness. This whole being human thing sure is challenging.
More will be revealed…