inspired – braintumorlife

Creating Something New

starting something new post

As it turns out, life does not stop when one is diagnosed with a brain tumor (or any other illness/injury for that matter). Utility bills, car payments, rent or mortgage, medical expenses, these all continue needing to be paid. Groceries, prescriptions, and gas for the car all still need to be bought. There is no “free ride” as they say. Even if you qualify for Medicaid, food assistance, and/or disability, I dare anyone out there to survive, let alone thrive, on that alone. I have tried, and it is a pitiful existence full of anxiety, struggle, and low self-esteem. It was certainly better than nothing, but surviving is NOT thriving.

The world is full of advice such as “Live each day to the fullest” and “Do what makes you happiest” without any real means of achieving those ideals aside from being independently wealthy or “visualizing/manifesting”, um, back to reality please. I assume that those who say money can’t buy happiness have enough money to pay their bills and eat well. While I agree that happiness can’t be bought, it sure does alleviate the stress and anxiety of just trying to get by.

So, while I did quit my job and move to Florida to be with my family as a matter of changing my priorities (as well as a matter of getting away from freezing temperatures!), and I am so fortunate to have my mom and step-dad to live with, alleviating much of my financial burden, there leaves getting a JOB and earning an income.

As many times as I have moved, I still forget how stressful it is to find a job when I get where it is that I’m going. I don’t know about you, but the job searching, resume updating, cover letter writing, and job interviewing kinda sucks. I’ve mostly applied for part time retail/customer service positions, just to earn enough while I am completing an online program in Medical Coding/Billing. Perhaps when my resume is reviewed, the impression is that I am over-qualified? It’s not like there’s a spot to write in, “No, no, I really do want to stand at the register and ring people out for just above minimum wage despite my qualifications to do so much more. You see, I’m still recovering from the shock and anxiety of having a brain tumor, plus I’m taking online classes, and I don’t want a high-pressure full-time office job right now.” Basically, I’m not what they are looking for.

A rather important side note is that stress has been proven to encourage cancer cell growth, something I am REALLY trying to avoid!

Fortunately, a dear friend of mine has hired me for two days a week to complete a short term bookkeeping project for her business. That got me to thinking… with my 15 or so years of small-business bookkeeping experience, coupled with online account access, I could do remote bookkeeping for clients anywhere. After further research, I found that there is a growing profession of people called Daily Money Managers, who, at the least pay bills and balance checkbooks for their clients, which can also be done remotely.

Instead of drafting cover letters and updating my resume for advertised job openings, I am drafting engagement letters and updating my services and fees for potential new clients. Without needing to commute to a job (currently living 20-30 min from anywhere), buy clothes for interviews or workplace, and possibly working longer hours for less pay, I have the potential to work fewer hours with no commute and much less stress, allowing more time to study, to spend with family and friends, and to write.

my view for blog — view from my outdoor office

A friend recently asked if I have a passion for bookkeeping as I usually end up working in that field. I would have previously said no. I mean really, bookkeeping?! Does that SOUND like something to pursue with a passion? The fact is, I am good at it, it comes naturally to me, and I find a great deal of satisfaction in balancing all the accounts. It’s also a great service to others who have either no interest in or actually despise keeping up with their business or personal bookkeeping. So while I may not describe it as my passion, I certainly enjoy the heck out of it.

Sometimes, it really helps to look at something from a different perspective for inspiration! I am creating a career for myself that I can do from home or take with me anywhere. I was trying to figure out how to earn some income writing, but the truth is that I enjoy writing when I feel inspired and not pressured to do so, and that would change if I felt that I needed to earn income by it.

Are you looking for fresh inspiration? Are you pursuing an alternative income-earning solution? Let me know in your comments, we can always use more inspiration from one another!

Thank you for reading my story. More will be revealed…

Dawn

Happy New Year… every day!

Raise your hand if you are looking forward to 2016 being better than 2015. You know my hand’s raised way up high, and I can guess that many of yours are as well. 2015 seemed to be a year of spiritual growth opportunities, getting WAY out of my comfort zone, and learning to have the humility to ask for help. Thank you, 2015, and kiss my ass. Here’s to surviving it and moving forward!

New Year’s Eve is generally a time of reflection of the past year, as well as making resolutions for the coming year. January 1st is a symbolic fresh start. It is a moment in time to hit the reset button. People collectively resolve to eat healthier, eat less, work out more, be better parents/children/friends, give up booze/sex/smoking/anger, be less selfish, be more selfish, etc., etc. By January 15^th, the resolutions have faded from consciousness and we settle back into our old, comfortable routines and habits. Ah, but there is always next year, another fresh start.

Why do we limit ourselves to one day a year to set intentions and reflect on where we are on our life’s journey? I used to actively and consciously reflect three times a year: New Year’s Eve, my birthday, and the date that I got sober from a terrible addiction. I also performed intermittent “spot-checks.”

Well, I heard something today that altered my thinking about this: we can choose to celebrate a New Year every day. Not the whole stay up til midnight and set off fireworks celebration, hell I can’t even stay up that late on the actual New Year’s Eve. What I can do, should I choose to make time for it, is reflect on my day every night before I go to sleep, and set intentions and goals for the day every morning. In fact, that is exactly what I’ve been mentored to do as part of maintaining my life of sobriety, but I have frankly become lazy about it. Perhaps seeing this as the opportunity to celebrate life as opposed to another chore to tag on to the beginning and end of my day, will energize me anew.

I have celebrated life a little each and every day since being diagnosed with Bob, and why not? That is his gift to me. Bob has taught me that very day is a gift, if I choose to see it that way, even the really sucky ones. Each day will string together into perhaps another year. Working on small goals every day and reviewing every evening as opposed to making big resolutions one day of the year will surely be more attainable and enjoyable.

Happy New Year, my friends, today and every day!

More will be revealed…

Dawn

Mary Oliver quote

What’s worse?

I just had the stomach flu for three days. I have to say, spending several days and nights nauseous, unable to move or eat, was worse than having a brain tumor. At least the particular tumor on my brain stem is not giving me the typical brain tumor symptoms of headaches, nausea, or double-vision. For that, I count myself lucky! I don’t deal well with being physically sick or in pain.

I have had several friends lately bring up difficult situations in their lives, only to follow up with something like, “Well, I shouldn’t complain, that’s no big deal compared to what you’re going through.” As I have told each of them, whatever difficulties we each have in life on any given day IS a big deal. It’s not a competition, folks, we all have shit to deal with. It doesn’t do any good to compare or rate how difficult your shit is vs. someone else’s shit.

When I was tossing my cookies at the end of the day Thursday, I didn’t stop to think, “hey, this is nothing compared to the brain tumor!” No, my first thought was thank God I made it to the bathroom in time (I was at work) and I hope I can drive myself home. When I’m stressed out about paying my bills, or anxiously tallying up my total at the grocery store hoping I kept it under my budget, I’m not thinking, “well, the brain tumor didn’t do me in, so this is a piece of cake.”

So yeah, we all have everyday-life difficulties. We each face disappointment, illness, worries, struggles, and whatever is the most pressing situation at the time, is the big deal at that time.

When I was first diagnosed, I’m pretty sure I would have at least thought, if not said out loud, that being diagnosed with a brain tumor was far worse than any of your problems. I spent several months full of anxiety, fear, anger, and depression about my future. I began to think that dying would be better than living with this much fear and facing an unknown outcome.

My future is still unknown. But guess what, so is yours, so is everyone’s. So I can choose to continue feeling scared, anxious, and full of self-pity, or I can get on with engaging in and enjoying life. I’m not saying that changing my attitude was easy. I’ve had a ton of support and love. I’ve had professional counseling. I’ve engaged in prayer and meditation. I’ve applied principles that I learned in a 12 step program. I adopted a puppy. Plus, I’ve had two MRIs in the last 6 months showing no growth of the tumor, yeah, that helps!

If anything, I suppose it’s not the particular difficulty I’m facing at any given time, but my attitude about the difficulty that makes the difference in my level of serenity. I have to ask myself how much power do I want to give that conflict (be it a conflict with another person, financial stress, a health problem) over me? I never want to discount my feelings, but can I learn to pay attention to what my feeling is telling me, then let the feeling itself pass? I hope so.

I think we all need to complain sometimes. As long as it doesn’t turn into wallowing or staying stuck, I know that I occasionally need to be able to just vent. Sometimes we just need someone to bare witness, whether to obtain advice, to receive encouragement, or simply want quiet support.

Thank you for reading. More will be revealed…

Dawn

Good ol’ St. Francis

I have to be honest, I used to flat out hate the prayer of St. Francis. Do you know that one? It’s all about being nice and helping others, disregarding my own ego. Are you kidding me?

I didn’t grow up with any religion, and first heard and read this prayer when I got into recovery for my alcoholism. That was NOT what I wanted to hear, let alone aspire to feel/believe/follow. I just wanted to feel better, and wanted to be the one being understood, consoled, pardoned, and loved. I felt that I had nothing to give to anyone else, I was all tapped out.

It has been a challenging journey since then, with one AFGO after another. (AFGO = Another F’ing Growth Opportunity) A journey to understand myself, learning to accept love, forgiving myself and others. I began to pray, not out of faith, but out of pure desperation, to be relieved of my misery. I followed (and continue to follow) a path laid out before me by others who walked a similar path and who were more content and joyful than I thought would ever be possible for me. I eventually came to believe that it was possible to choose joy and serenity regardless of outside conditions. Not that I always make that choice (I am a stubborn human being after all, just ask my mom!)

I am grateful for all of the experiences that I have had, and for my commitment to the recovery journey, for without it, I would be lost at sea with no compass right now. I have had years of developing my faith, years of retrospect that prayers do work (whether one refers to them as sending positive vibes, good energy, tapping into the power of the Universe, etc.) and that God’s plan is always way bigger and better than any of my own plans or expectations.

Any bit of grace or inspiration that I have or can offer as I walk, crawl, or cry through this situation, comes from my faith in One much greater than I, which I believe is deep inside every one of us.

I have the prayer of St. Francis taped above my computer where I can see it, read it, and pray it with earnest every day. It brings me peace, as I pray to shine a little light into the darkness.

Thank you for reading. More will be revealed…

Love, Dawn

Living the dream.

Do you ever hear the same parable, advice, or message spoken many times in different ways by different people, and one time it finally clicks? This happens to me a lot. Today’s message that finally “clicked” for me is that to live an inspired life allows others to also live an inspired life, it doesn’t do anyone any good to play small. That’s a paraphrase, I don’t remember exactly how the woman speaking today actually said it, but that’s what it meant to me when I heard her.

Previously, when I would have an inspiration to write a poem, a story, create art, or come up with a great idea, my inner critic would shout at me, “who do you think you are to suppose you have anything to say?” Everything has already been said, thought of, or created by much more talented people than I. So I would shrink my creative spirit back down inside.

So, what does an inspired life look like? Becoming a famous novelist? Becoming an award-winning talk-show host? Winning a Nobel Peace Prize? That’s how I used to look at it, which automatically left me feeling defeated. I’ve spent so much of my life in “survival mode,” working to just get by. I would envy people with more than me who seemed to have all the opportunity, talent, and fun.

Today, I know that I have the power to choose to live an inspired life, no matter what my circumstances. What that looks like for me, for now: being truly grateful for all that I have, taking and sharing photographs (with just my iPhone 4) and loving them, writing (this blog, with short stories percolating in my head now…) and trying new things outside of my comfort zone. I may not have anything new to say or create, but I am expressing myself and in general living out loud!

I had to go and get a brain tumor to change my perspective, but I am immensely grateful for my new outlook. Being confronted in this way led me deeper into meditation, prayer, and exploring quantum physics (don’t ask).

In case you were waiting for permission: go ahead, live an inspired life, whatever that feels like to you! It’s super-awesome fun!

Thank you all for your ongoing encouragement, prayers, and positivity… more will be revealed.

Love & gratitude,

Dawn

A few of my photos: