faith – Page 2 – braintumorlife

Good ol’ St. Francis

I have to be honest, I used to flat out hate the prayer of St. Francis. Do you know that one? It’s all about being nice and helping others, disregarding my own ego. Are you kidding me?

I didn’t grow up with any religion, and first heard and read this prayer when I got into recovery for my alcoholism. That was NOT what I wanted to hear, let alone aspire to feel/believe/follow. I just wanted to feel better, and wanted to be the one being understood, consoled, pardoned, and loved. I felt that I had nothing to give to anyone else, I was all tapped out.

It has been a challenging journey since then, with one AFGO after another. (AFGO = Another F’ing Growth Opportunity) A journey to understand myself, learning to accept love, forgiving myself and others. I began to pray, not out of faith, but out of pure desperation, to be relieved of my misery. I followed (and continue to follow) a path laid out before me by others who walked a similar path and who were more content and joyful than I thought would ever be possible for me. I eventually came to believe that it was possible to choose joy and serenity regardless of outside conditions. Not that I always make that choice (I am a stubborn human being after all, just ask my mom!)

I am grateful for all of the experiences that I have had, and for my commitment to the recovery journey, for without it, I would be lost at sea with no compass right now. I have had years of developing my faith, years of retrospect that prayers do work (whether one refers to them as sending positive vibes, good energy, tapping into the power of the Universe, etc.) and that God’s plan is always way bigger and better than any of my own plans or expectations.

Any bit of grace or inspiration that I have or can offer as I walk, crawl, or cry through this situation, comes from my faith in One much greater than I, which I believe is deep inside every one of us.

I have the prayer of St. Francis taped above my computer where I can see it, read it, and pray it with earnest every day. It brings me peace, as I pray to shine a little light into the darkness.

Thank you for reading. More will be revealed…

Love, Dawn

When life hands you lemons… Compost.

I woke up feeling defeated this morning. A little downward spiral began yesterday afternoon actually, after a visit to my work-place where I am on a leave of absence from. I have been in limbo between wanting to go back to work and trying to get hired in a less-stressful department. I was hoping for resolution yesterday, but instead I was told that they would let me know in about two weeks. The un-knowing is very unsettling. As is the being-broke.

My next MRI is in two weeks, which will let us see if Bob is growing. I feel 95-98% certain that Bob is behaving, but I don’t have a crystal ball and cannot assure my supervisors that I am not going to need to take time off for a biopsy and therefore get back to work as a reliable part of the team.

I took my defeated ego to bed for a nap yesterday afternoon, and if I hadn’t made a commitment to myself to go to boxing class in the evening, then meet some lovely friends for dinner, I would not have gotten back up until this morning. Was that me, just yesterday morning, who felt such faith and trust that everything is working out the way it should? Well, F that person, this person had decided to wallow in the shallow mud of self-pity for the rest of the foreseeable future, or at least until boxing class, where I could imagine that I was beating the crap out of Bob with my fists.

I do not like the see-saw of emotions, of faith/non-faith, of gratitude/self-pity, of patience/impatience. This battle of ego and acceptance sucks.

This morning, I woke up on the self-pity side of the bed. I pulled on my sweatpants, t-shirt, and baseball hat (my pre-shower uniform) and leashed my dog to walk to the nearby coffee shop. Since I feel like crap and can’t go to work, I may as well sit outside and study.

Walking past an alley just a block from my house, I saw a barrel-composter with a “Free” sign taped to it. I dragged my confused dog back home, drove my Element back, wrestled the thing up onto the back gate, and drove it home, with all the excitement of a child on Christmas morning.

My roommate was in the kitchen making breakfast as I burst inside with my new and improved attitude exclaiming, “I found a free composter!” I am glad to tell you that she seemed as pleased about this as I was. I told her about how my mood and attitude had been until seeing this gem, and she said, “keep calm and compost.” Yes, that! I think we’ll have some t-shirts made.

More will be revealed…

Love, Dawn

Living the dream.

Do you ever hear the same parable, advice, or message spoken many times in different ways by different people, and one time it finally clicks? This happens to me a lot. Today’s message that finally “clicked” for me is that to live an inspired life allows others to also live an inspired life, it doesn’t do anyone any good to play small. That’s a paraphrase, I don’t remember exactly how the woman speaking today actually said it, but that’s what it meant to me when I heard her.

Previously, when I would have an inspiration to write a poem, a story, create art, or come up with a great idea, my inner critic would shout at me, “who do you think you are to suppose you have anything to say?” Everything has already been said, thought of, or created by much more talented people than I. So I would shrink my creative spirit back down inside.

So, what does an inspired life look like? Becoming a famous novelist? Becoming an award-winning talk-show host? Winning a Nobel Peace Prize? That’s how I used to look at it, which automatically left me feeling defeated. I’ve spent so much of my life in “survival mode,” working to just get by. I would envy people with more than me who seemed to have all the opportunity, talent, and fun.

Today, I know that I have the power to choose to live an inspired life, no matter what my circumstances. What that looks like for me, for now: being truly grateful for all that I have, taking and sharing photographs (with just my iPhone 4) and loving them, writing (this blog, with short stories percolating in my head now…) and trying new things outside of my comfort zone. I may not have anything new to say or create, but I am expressing myself and in general living out loud!

I had to go and get a brain tumor to change my perspective, but I am immensely grateful for my new outlook. Being confronted in this way led me deeper into meditation, prayer, and exploring quantum physics (don’t ask).

In case you were waiting for permission: go ahead, live an inspired life, whatever that feels like to you! It’s super-awesome fun!

Thank you all for your ongoing encouragement, prayers, and positivity… more will be revealed.

Love & gratitude,

Dawn

A few of my photos:

“How are you?”

That has never been an easy question for me to answer, and now it’s nearly impossible. First, what is the intent of the person asking? Is this simply a polite greeting, to which one responds with, “great, how are you?” Is it a genuine interest or concern of how I am actually doing, physically or emotionally? How much time are you willing to give to listen to me figure out then explain how I am when you ask?

These days, “how are you?” is often paired with a look of deep sympathy when asked by a person who actually knows me and therefore knows about the Bob situation. It feels equally uncomfortable to look back at the sympathetic face asking the question and replying that I am doing well as it would be to reply that I am falling apart. And both answers are true, sometimes at the same exact time.

I’m doing pretty damn awesome. I am surrounded by love and support. I am learning to accept the unknown and letting go of my deep desire to control my life. I apparently have a great attitude (or so I’m told) and yet sometimes I am completely falling apart and have no idea whatsoever what I’m feeling and am terrified about having no control. Those are great napping times. All of this feeling of emotions is exhausting! And yet, I can’t sleep through the night.

I wake up in the middle of the night with a general sense of fear and anxiety, slowly coming to in my bed, part of me frustrated to find myself awake while it’s still dark out while some other part of me is yelling inside, “I have a brain tumor, my world is coming to an end, what does it all mean!?!” or something like that. When I gain enough consciousness, meditating on my breath usually helps me to fall back to sleep.

My typical answer to the “How are you?” question lately has been, “For right now, I’m feeling good.” That’s the best I can do, for right now.

Thank you for reading and for your love and support; more will be revealed…

Love & light,

Dawn