I haven’t written in awhile due to spending several days in a comatose state, paralyzed by subconscious anxiety. Followed by several days recovering from the comatose state and re-engaging with life.
I have found myself internally bargaining with God. If You heal me, God, I promise to be a living testament of faith in You. If not, well then, all bets are off and F You. Not exactly spiritual, but very much human. A friend said to me this morning, “God is a Big Dude, and can handle your anger and doubt.”
I should find out the results of my 3 month MRI, which I had last Friday, in the next two days. Can you believe that they won’t rush the radiologist for ME??
I’m holding out for a complete healing miracle. I’d settle for no signs of growth.
More will be revealed…
In Love and Gratitude (even when I can’t feel it)
I am so happy to be officially off my medical leave and back at work! I was able to transfer from Payroll & Accounting to Animal Care at the animal welfare organization that I have worked at for the past year. I have received some amusing comments/questions and confused looks from my co-workers who know me as the lady who does payroll. One told me that I finally decided to come down and get my hands dirty. Well, that’s what the gloves are for, my hands stay perfectly clean. The rest of me I can’t comment on, but let’s just say that I take all my clothes off as soon as I walk into my house! I have gone from business casual in a cubicle to khakis and a t-shirt cleaning animal kennels, and they all want to know why. Wednesday, I was even congratulated and thanked for making it through my first day without quitting!
I love my new position, with the exception of starting at 6am. I haven’t had nearly enough coffee by 6am! I’m so busy cleaning kennels and feeding the critters, that I only notice the passage of time by my hunger for lunch. I am definitely getting a work-out. I’m learning a lot about the different animals, and myself. For instance, in just two days time, I am now pretty much terrified of chihuahuas. Ok, only the scared or angry ones. Also, small breed dogs seem to poop a lot more than the big guys . I’m pretty sure that a great-dane snuck into a little terrier’s kennel last night just to go poop.
With all the scrubbing and hosing and chasing of dogs (oh yeah, I’ve had three escapees in two days), I don’t have any time to think of brain tumor Bob. Except when I think to myself, “huh, I’m not thinking about the brain tumor” or when someone stops me to ask why I decided to work in Animal Care instead of Accounting. The appropriate answer to that question is NOT, “I have a brain tumor, took some time off, then decided that I’d rather work in a less mentally stressful environment and interact with the animals so that I don’t think about my brain tumor all day.” It makes people uncomfortable. Which can sometimes be fun. 😉
Six days until my next MRI, but who’s counting?
I think back to when I quit drinking alcohol 18 years ago and remember how obsessed I was about NOT drinking, every day, for months and months. Eventually, not drinking became my new normal, it was no longer an “issue” that I struggled with. That experience led me to a faith that I never wanted or considered before. The faith that I have gained gives me hope that there will come a time when I am not obsessed with having a brain tumor, and that I will get to another new normal.
Thank you for reading. More will be revealed…
For a few days now, I’ve been fighting against sinking into the pit of Nothing Matters Anymore. Today, I have sunk. Call it self-pity, call it being a victim, call it being spiritually un-fit. Maybe it is that, or maybe I’m just human. Either way, it’s uncomfortable and embarrassing, and now I am throwing what amounts to a public temper-tantrum. Feel free to skip this entry if you are hoping for humor or inspiration. My supplies were dwindling and now I’m fresh out.
I don’t want to pray.
I don’t want to meditate.
I don’t want to visualize healing.
I don’t want to be strong or courageous.
Today, I don’t want a F*ing brain tumor. I don’t want to wonder WHY or what to do about it. I don’t want to read brain tumor research, eat clean, or have a brain tumor.
I’m angry that I can’t stay emotionally stable, and that I’m exhausted most of the time. I’m angry that thinking positive feels too difficult.
I’m angry because I’m scared. And I am angry at myself for being scared. I have heard too many times that fear is the opposite of faith. If I don’t have enough faith, does that mean that I won’t get better? If I can’t stay positive does that mean I will get worse?
I may wake up in a better mood… with gratitude, acceptance, and willingness. This whole being human thing sure is challenging.
More will be revealed…