Hello! Can you believe it’s been two whole years to the day since I read that MRI report and looked at that image of Bob on my brainstem? I’m a bit amazed myself. Wow! What a trip, what a life. The way my diagnosing neurologist put it, I should have been dead a year ago. HA! That’ll teach him to say something that terrible to a patient.
I was mad at that doctor for such a long time for saying that to me, then it occurred to me yesterday that if he hadn’t told me that I’d be lucky to make it to a year, I may not feel so much gratitude for still being alive! I would more likely be wallowing in self-pity for having a brain tumor. I love how a matter of perspective can change thoughts and feelings about a situation.
The absolute truth remains the same, there is a tumor on my brainstem. The way I feel about and experience that truth has changed dramatically in the course of two years.
It took a while for the shock to wear off enough to feel anything at all. I existed for months outside of my body, watching from a distance in disbelief at the turn my life had taken. I tried to figure out what I was supposed to be feeling. I found myself alternately laughing and crying, as if I were watching a tragic comedy. I could not admit to my friends or family that along with fear, I sometimes felt a sense of relief that I could die soon. I had struggled with such terrible bouts of depression in my life that I welcomed a way out in which I could not be to blame. Later on, I began to blame myself for getting the tumor. As though all those times that I had felt like dying had manifested it.
I never imagined then that I would someday be grateful for the astounding ways that the knowledge of this tumor would change my life. I wake up each day with a joy for life and a deep sense of peace (most mornings it takes a cup of coffee first!). I feel deeply loved and supported by my family as well as by friends, in a way that I could not previously let into my heart. I have gone from such anger at God, to completely losing any faith I had, to saying prayers of thanks and trusting God completely with my life now. By all outside appearances, I’ll concede that my life does not look so great in terms of what is valued in our society. The life inside of me however, is truly beyond my wildest dreams!
Happy Anniversary, Bob! Thanks for being a quiet guest and for helping me know that life is worth getting out of bed for!
I’m so grateful for each and every one of you for your care, love, and support.
As always, more will be revealed…