Fear Factor

I ran into a friend whom I hadn’t seen in awhile a few days ago, and he asked me how I’m doing with the fear factor.  I responded with a blank stare as I was trying to figure out what he was referring to. I’ve had some financial fear lately, and some worries around job-security, but I couldn’t remember mentioning those to him.  It finally occurred to me that he was referring to my total freak out about being diagnosed with a brain tumor, and all the anxiety I had around not knowing the type, treatment, or prognosis.  “Ohhhh,” I said, “You mean the whole brain tumor thingie!”

Well, I’m actually feeling pretty damn lucky and grateful after six months of no growth, so I’ve not been in fear around that. I laughed and told him about the day-to-day living-life fears I’ve been having lately and thanked him for giving me the awareness that the biggest fear I’ve had to face in life so far is no longer front and center. Wow! What a difference six months can make. If I can let go of THAT fear, I can let go of the day-to-day stuff too.

I’ve not needed a biopsy, brain surgery, stent placement, chemotherapy, or radiation.  I don’t have what my first neurologist suspected, a glioblastoma multiforme, which has a very low survival rate/life expectancy (otherwise it would have grown by the first 3 month follow up.)  I’m frigging counting my blessings at this point!

I *almost* feel like apologizing for making a big deal out of having a brain tumor. Except that, you know, it is a pretty scary thing to get diagnosed with. But hey, who’s the luckiest girl with a brain tumor?

I am!

Thanks for following my journey, more will be revealed…

Dawn