I woke up feeling defeated this morning. A little downward spiral began yesterday afternoon actually, after a visit to my work-place where I am on a leave of absence from. I have been in limbo between wanting to go back to work and trying to get hired in a less-stressful department. I was hoping for resolution yesterday, but instead I was told that they would let me know in about two weeks. The un-knowing is very unsettling. As is the being-broke.
My next MRI is in two weeks, which will let us see if Bob is growing. I feel 95-98% certain that Bob is behaving, but I don’t have a crystal ball and cannot assure my supervisors that I am not going to need to take time off for a biopsy and therefore get back to work as a reliable part of the team.
I took my defeated ego to bed for a nap yesterday afternoon, and if I hadn’t made a commitment to myself to go to boxing class in the evening, then meet some lovely friends for dinner, I would not have gotten back up until this morning. Was that me, just yesterday morning, who felt such faith and trust that everything is working out the way it should? Well, F that person, this person had decided to wallow in the shallow mud of self-pity for the rest of the foreseeable future, or at least until boxing class, where I could imagine that I was beating the crap out of Bob with my fists.
I do not like the see-saw of emotions, of faith/non-faith, of gratitude/self-pity, of patience/impatience. This battle of ego and acceptance sucks.
This morning, I woke up on the self-pity side of the bed. I pulled on my sweatpants, t-shirt, and baseball hat (my pre-shower uniform) and leashed my dog to walk to the nearby coffee shop. Since I feel like crap and can’t go to work, I may as well sit outside and study.
Walking past an alley just a block from my house, I saw a barrel-composter with a “Free” sign taped to it. I dragged my confused dog back home, drove my Element back, wrestled the thing up onto the back gate, and drove it home, with all the excitement of a child on Christmas morning.
My roommate was in the kitchen making breakfast as I burst inside with my new and improved attitude exclaiming, “I found a free composter!” I am glad to tell you that she seemed as pleased about this as I was. I told her about how my mood and attitude had been until seeing this gem, and she said, “keep calm and compost.” Yes, that! I think we’ll have some t-shirts made.
More will be revealed…