“How are you?”

That has never been an easy question for me to answer, and now it’s nearly impossible.  First, what is the intent of the person asking?  Is this simply a polite greeting, to which one responds with, “great, how are you?” Is it a genuine interest or concern of how I am actually doing, physically or emotionally?  How much time are you willing to give to listen to me figure out then explain how I am when you ask?

These days, “how are you?” is often paired with a look of deep sympathy when asked by a person who actually knows me and therefore knows about the Bob situation.  It feels equally uncomfortable to look back at the sympathetic face asking the question and replying that I am doing well as it would be to reply that I am falling apart.  And both answers are true, sometimes at the same exact time.

I’m doing pretty damn awesome.  I am surrounded by love and support.  I am learning to accept the unknown and letting go of my deep desire to control my life. I apparently have a great attitude (or so I’m told) and yet sometimes I am completely falling apart and have no idea whatsoever what I’m feeling and am terrified about having no control. Those are great napping times.  All of this feeling of emotions is exhausting!  And yet, I can’t sleep through the night.

I wake up in the middle of the night with a general sense of fear and anxiety, slowly coming to in my bed, part of me frustrated to find myself awake while it’s still dark out while some other part of me is yelling inside, “I have a brain tumor, my world is coming to an end, what does it all mean!?!” or something like that. When I gain enough consciousness, meditating on my breath usually helps me to fall back to sleep.

My typical answer to the “How are you?” question lately has been, “For right now, I’m feeling good.”  That’s the best I can do, for right now.

Thank you for reading and for your love and support; more will be revealed…

Love & light,

Dawn