A time of rest

I recently read an article in which the author referred to the depression she went into when she heard she had a life-threatening illness as a “time of deep rest.”

I am cautious about using the terms “depressed” or “depression” as they tend to be over-used and often misused terms to describe a feeling of grief, sadness, or malaise, usually with an identifiable cause.  I have struggled with my own clinical major depressive disorder and it’s quite a different set of feelings when your brain chemistry is so out of whack that for absolutely no apparent reason you are listless, sad, anxious, and would rather be dead then open the mail or answer the phone.  So when I mention that I have felt depressed at times since learning that I have a brain tumor, I believe that what I am really dealing with is shock, confusion, and overwhelm that is so exhausting that I would rather sleep all day than attempt the day-to-day business of life.  It is exactly as though I need a time of deep rest to recover from this shock.

This is not a course I’ve ever navigated before, and there is no road map to refer to (I have a horrible sense of direction, even with a map anyways).  I have bounced between the opinions of three highly qualified doctors, and I have received countless articles about brain tumor research and treatment found on the world wide inter-webs from well-meaning loved ones. I still don’t have a diagnosis and have decided (thanks to the tie-breaker doc #3) to proceed with getting a needle-biospy of this gunk to find out what the pathology is. Three to four more weeks from now, and we may have a clue as to how to proceed with treatment.

I miss my hysterical phase of coping… the time in which I could laugh and refer to the tumor as the Galaxy named Bob and hit on unsuspecting waiters.  As I am going deeper into the trenches of my new current reality, I am simply exhausted.  What I want is to go on big, thrill-seeking adventures. What I feel is a deep need for rest. Not to be mistaken for depression.

More will be revealed (now would be nice).

Thank you, with love,

Dawn