Breathing into darkness

Remember that time I went ice climbing?  I'm tougher than you, Bob!
Remember that time I went ice climbing? I’m way more determined than you, Bob!

It’s been one month and 4 days since finding out that I have a brain tumor.  So far, I’ve had two doctors bring my MRI’s to tumor boards for consultation with neuro-oncology specialists in the last two weeks, and then fail to follow up with me.  That is perhaps a good sign, maybe in the realm of brain tumors, mine’s not an urgent case. In my realm, however, it feels pretty damn urgent.  This isn’t the first brain tumor the neuro-oncologists have seen, but it is my first and it’s in MY head.  I like my brain-stem, and I hear it’s pretty important.

For the past month, I have had an amazing opportunity to move towards acceptance, faith, and patience.  In between complete and total melt-downs, bouts of hysterical laughter, and unexpected anxiety attacks.  It’s quite amazing how quickly I move in and out of detachment from or denial of my emotions.  I am in continual flux between wanting to find escape though any form of immediate gratification, and embracing my current reality. I often don’t recognize what I am feeling or how I am coping with my feelings until hours after the shift.

Remembering to breath has been a big deal.  Thank you to several friends who remind me of this on a daily basis.  When I become consciously aware of my breath, I come back into my body in the present moment.  In the present moment is where I find connection to the source of life deep within.  In the present moment, I am in perfect health and peace.  Plus, perhaps good ‘ol Bob doesn’t like oxygen in his galaxy. F.YOU BOB.

More will be revealed…

Dawn

4 thoughts on “Breathing into darkness”

  1. Maybe it’s taking the neuro-oncs some time to find the best course of action for you or to find other similar cases that were successful. Things move very slowly in the world of onky-onc. Calling to light a fire under them is always a good idea. You know, the squeaky wheel. And yes! yes! yes! BOB hates oxygen. Food-grade hydrogen peroxide over the rocks, anyone? 😀 Love you soooooo much. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love the eloquent way you describe your feelings. It is a great example of working through the wide range of emotions one is brought forth given a situation we have no “control” over or no experience in dealing with. What you’re teaching me (and others) is to not be afraid to express feelings so you can better understand and deal with them. God bless you Dawn! Stay strong and keep doing what you are doing. Love from Lauderdale! XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ahhhhh….to BREATHE or NOT to breathe….that is my dilemma! Love, light & prayers continually coming your way honey! Funny, there was a wonderful woman I met many years ago who would say: My feelings are my feelings, and NOBODY could tell me how to FEEL! She sure was damn right! 😉 💋 💚

    Liked by 1 person

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