I’m sure I’m not alone in not wanting to feel “bad” emotions, such as fear, anger, sadness, etc. Years ago I developed my personal method of achieving Detachment Level: Expert. The problem is that it has practically become an instinct to detach from my physical self when I am emotionally disturbed, which although no longer serves me well, is a tough habit to shake.
I bring this up because the last two weeks have been such an emotional rollercoaster that even though the most recent doctor that I saw had relatively good news, I am still in shock from the original bad news. I feel like I am underwater, trying to break the surface to catch a breath and look for the shore. I know it’s there, as much as I know I’m going to get through this, but I just can’t see it yet. I am in a bubble of un-reality. Nothing in the “Real World” makes any sense to me right now.
I have told myself that I need to stay positive and have faith, I have been told (kindly) by others that I am strong and have a great attitude; and I received good news. Now I expect myself to feel the same way I felt just two weeks ago, before being told that I have a brain tumor. Then I engage in “Real World” activities to get back into the stream of life, such as going to share a meal with a friend, or going to work. And none of it makes any sense. Sort of like Charlie Brown’s teacher, bwah bwah bwah bwah bwah bwah.
I tell myself that I’m fine, convince my conscious mind that I believe it, then my subconscious mind lets my body know that it’s bullshit. Because although I can and do emotionally detach from my body when the feelings of fear and anger boil up, my body tunes right into the truth of what I am actually feeling and lets me know through getting nauseas, crying for “no apparent reason”, and having full on anxiety attacks.
Clearly, denial is not working for me. While I don’t want to dwell in fear and anger, denial of those feelings actually keeps them stuck in me longer, and the fall-out is downright unpleasant!
My challenge to myself: Become aware without judgement of what I am really feeling as the emotion comes up. Allow the emotions instead of telling myself that I shouldn’t be feeling this way, or trying to push them down. Breathe deeply into my body, following my breath consciously, allowing my breath to keep my mind rooted to my body, and my mind in the present moment. Accept the feelings without attaching to them. Let go of the story around the emotions. Allow myself the experience letting go of the emotions without detaching from myself or denying what I am feeling. Phew, that’s gonna take some practice!
As always, thank you for reading, and more will be revealed.
Dawn (and Bob)