anger un-management.

angry me

I have never been great at expressing anger in a constructive way, or even recognizing the feeling at all before it builds up for so long that I erupt like a volcano, spewing molten lava and ash on anyone unfortunate enough to be near me at that magical moment.

More often, when I feel a niggling of “anger”, I begin to blame myself for the situation, shove it down, and wonder what I did wrong.  I begin to punish myself with “I shouldn’t feel this way” and “what’s wrong with me?”

Then Bob came along.  And while I get the whole staying positive and having faith thing, I am also one pissed off, angry, fuck this chic right now.  I mean, right now as in when I took that lovely bed-head, middle fingered selfie this morning.  It was more of a fleeting anger, with a sweet promise of more to come.  And I didn’t get disappointed in myself for feeling it, I didn’t try to shove it down or put on a happy face and pretend that everything is just FINE dammit.  Because it’s really not.  I have a fucking brain tumor people.

A few days ago when I had another mood swing from Zen-delicious to shit-sandwich, a wise friend said:

We don’t have to attach ourselves to how we felt yesterday, or try to recreate it.  Today is a new day of feelings and thoughts, all we have to do is shine a light of awareness.  Be gentle to yourself.  Feelings are impermanent, our thoughts will flee under the light of awareness.

Pretty cool, huh?

Oh, and say it with me, F you, Bob!

Thank you for reading along… more will be revealed (for realsies, neurosurgeon consult tomorrow afternoon)

Dawn

4 thoughts on “anger un-management.”

  1. Fuck you, Bob!
    Dawn I wish I was closer and could be there for more physical type support and help, but I am thinking of you constantly and sending rays of love your way every moment. If you need to talk, I’m here, though it sounds like you have an awesome support group around you. Glad your mom is there! Big big hugs. Waiting on tenter hooks for the next blog entry… Your writing is superb.

    Liked by 1 person

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