anger un-management.

I have never been great at expressing anger in a constructive way, or even recognizing the feeling at all before it builds up for so long that I erupt like a volcano, spewing molten lava and ash on anyone unfortunate enough to be near me at that magical moment.

More often, when I feel a niggling of “anger”, I begin to blame myself for the situation, shove it down, and wonder what I did wrong.  I begin to punish myself with “I shouldn’t feel this way” and “what’s wrong with me?”

Then Bob came along.  And while I get the whole staying positive and having faith thing, I am also one pissed off, angry, fuck this chic right now.  I mean, right now as in when I took that lovely bed-head, middle fingered selfie this morning.  It was more of a fleeting anger, with a sweet promise of more to come.  And I didn’t get disappointed in myself for feeling it, I didn’t try to shove it down or put on a happy face and pretend that everything is just FINE dammit.  Because it’s really not.  I have a fucking brain tumor people.

A few days ago when I had another mood swing from Zen-delicious to shit-sandwich, a wise friend said:

We don’t have to attach ourselves to how we felt yesterday, or try to recreate it.  Today is a new day of feelings and thoughts, all we have to do is shine a light of awareness.  Be gentle to yourself.  Feelings are impermanent, our thoughts will flee under the light of awareness.

Pretty cool, huh?

Oh, and say it with me, F you, Bob!

Thank you for reading along… more will be revealed (for realsies, neurosurgeon consult tomorrow afternoon)

Dawn